Whose the Greatest!
by Zerolr
Summary: Indeed who is? Kiyone and Sentaro have been at it for ages... and finally, FINALLY there is a way to settle this once and for all. Follows Chocolate Oatmeal. T - for cursing/crude humor COMPLETE!
1. Part I

Moshi moshi! This is I can proudly say this is the third Bleach Fable Tale in the series. [_For those who don't know what I'm talking about, can check out my profile that talks about the other two_] You know, they're supposed to be relatively short. But with each new one they keep getting longer and longer—no go! No go!

*sigh* What can I do? There's no way I could shorten this one… it' wouldn't be as entertaining. Let me tell you one thing—I have a weird sense of humor—talking about completely random things put together that aren't supposed to be funny but—I find myself cracking myself up over it…. Yeah. I put all of my personality into this one. I was going through a tough depressing time when writing this too… Ugh man, I struggled so much with this one… damn…

Oh, I hope you readers, find this entertaining and I really won't be surprised if many of you start thinking, "WTF?!" several times over and over again. Music. Peace. Love. Enjoy.

- Zerolr -

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. All rights go to Tite Kubo.**

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**Whose the Greatest?!**

Part I

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**Oh, why hello there! I'm Ukitake Juushiro, Captain of the 13****th**** squad of Gotei 13 that resides here in Soul Society. I personally would like to take this time to thank you for coming over to visit me. I have a small fever and I fell a little dizzy but I'm feeling much better thanks to your presence. Hmm, now how can I repay you for your kindness?—Oh yes, yes. This will do. Would you like to hear a story? I heard that Renji told you all about Rukia's oatmeal. Mmm, yes it was very delicious, however, I never knew that it would go that far… The fad died down, and every one has returned to normal. It seems like you enjoy stories, so here is mine. It's not as extravagant as Renji's but I hope you enjoy it all the same…**

It has started yet again. The bickering, the yelling the arguing that epic babbling of Kiyone and Sentaro. Captain Ukitake was in his room next door sleeping, when their squabbling woke him up.

"I will deliver the Captain's letter."

"In your dreams Kiyone—those are TOP priority and YOU are worth diddly squat!"

"Fuck you, ass face!"

"Bitch on wheels!"

"You can't score, monkey-butt!"

"Yes I can, flipper-face!"

"What the hell was that, dick-wad!"

"Foo-foo brain!"

"Retarded goat!"

"Peanut butter la-la!

"Fat-ass wanna be shinigami!"

"Popcorn table!"

"Soul Society REJECT!"

Sentaro doubled up and stepped back a bit swayed by that last score, "Shut up, you, retarded Pikachu!"

"Grr—you, you—,"

"Enough please stop," the door slid open to reveal a very weary, and tired Ukitake.

"Captain!" they both cried at once.

"It's alright, that letter doesn't have to be delivered anytime soon," the white haired captain sighed, "Now that I'm awake, I might as well get to work."

"See with your banshee screeching you woke the Captain up from his nap!" roared Sentaro.

"What are you talking about?" Kiyone scoffed shrugging her shoulders, "Your inhuman gorilla growl will stir anybody awake."

Ukitake hobbled off desperate to escape the new argument that was brewing.

"Well, well, you think you're nice—eh Banana Fluff!"

"Oh come on! All your comebacks SUCK! I don't even feel offended anymore."

"That's because you can relate to them—HAH! Gotcha bitch!"

Kiyone yelped and pressed her lips together unable to say anything at the moment.

"Sentaro, can you carry these boxes for me?" called Ukitake from his office.

"Yes Captain," Sentaro whirled around to face Kiyone, "It doesn't matter how good you are in the beginning or even through the middle—I got the last laugh and that's what matters," Sentaro leaned right into Kiyone's face, "HAH!" And with that, he skipped off.

"You fuckin gay tootsie roll," she grumbled while fighting back the urge to cry.

**How horrible—I wasn't aware that their rivalry was THAT serious. If I had known that Sentaro treated Kiyone that way I would have severely chastised him. *Sigh* But then again I fall into the same circle. I reprimand Sentaro for his behavior and then Kiyone puffs up and then I would have to correct her. And they go at each other again, and again, and again, and again. It's come to the point that I've decided to just stay out of it. Ehhhh, but this is not helping either. There has to be some way to make this stop.**

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**End Chapter**


	2. Part II

Ay, ay, ay…. I keep getting these horrid thoughts, that maybe there can be some people out there that may become offended by some of the crude jokes I put out… Please, I apologize now and for future chapters—this fic only makes fun of characters within the Bleach universe—it's not meant to insult the reader or any specific race, gender, sexual orientation, age… I don't mean to stereotype anybody or anything like that…. I just… I just want to make people laugh…. Please don't flame me or anything…. I'm saying this just in case… just in case…

- Zerolr -

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**Part II**

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Kiyone stuffed her mouth at the SWA (Shinigami Women's Association) with snacks and sweets that caused the rest of the members to look over in worry.

"Kiyone sweetie what's wrong," Matsumoto cooed softly.

"Yay! Yay—eat faster! Faster!" Yachiru cheered.

"Eh—no… nee-chan, I don't think that's the best," whined Isane her older sister and Vice Captain of the 4th squad.

"Aw, Shaddup!" Kiyone barked her mouth jam packed with sweets, "I bet you think that I'm Banana Fluff too—huh? That what you all—Waaah!!!" she collapsed her head on the table crying bitterly.

Vice president of the SWA Nanao Ise., took this matter seriously. After all, this IS why the SWA existed. A group that would stand up to injustice in a male dominated system.

Byakuya Kuchiki sat in his room calmly enjoying the sound of the birds from his open door and his warm cup of green tea. The occasional "thump, thump," could be heard from beyond that wall and he learned to ignore it. It killed him sometimes but he had tried one hundred and one ways to get rid of Yachiru and her little woman's group , but she was worst than a reoccurring wart. The sounds were impossibly loud and then they were suddenly hushed. Bya looked over his shoulder towards the wall in udder curiosity.

"Poor thing," whined Matsumoto.

"Those insults don't ever make sense—," snapped Soi Fon, "He deserves to die."

"Yes it does, look!" shouted Yachiru pointing at Kiyone's hair, "Banana fluff!"

"Shut up, you road-killed piece of pink bubble gum shit!" she gunned back.

Everyone stepped back in shock worried at Madam President's reaction to this. Yachi's eyes hidden from view for a dead moment when suddenly she threw back her head and laughed.

"Hee hee! Sentaro's stupid but Kiyo-chan is funny! Yup, yup! Really funny!"

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"This gives me an idea," Nanao started to conclude. Nemu was serving snacks and Matsumoto leaned on her chair towards Nanao.

"What's your idea?"

"Ne, ne, Kiyo-chan!" sang Yachi, "Say some mean things to Byakuchi!"

"Here is my proposal," announced Nanao.

Yachiru who was tugging Kiyone's arm slowly let go to listen.

"Since only your captain are usually present in your especially aggressive arguments, neither of you know who is the better 3rd seat—,"

"Or whose the best at shooting insults for that matter," added Soi Fon.

"I bet Soi Fon is Queen Bee at this type of thing," Hinamori who never spoke until now.

"You fuckin better believe it," she scoffed.

"A-hem, yes. Like I was saying—to prove who better it is best to establish an all out shout-out contest—whoever can sway each other first AND get the most feedback from the crowd wins," Nanao concluded.

"I will be judge," stepped in Soi Fon, "And to be fair we'll pick a male to be the second judge," The 2nd captain darted her sharp eyes until they landed on Hinamori who was sitting next to Matsumoto, "You two, get Hitsugaya he'll be the other judge."

"Why him?" asked Kiyone.

"Ugh, he's the only other captain capable of being just as cold and sarcastic," replied Soi Fon casually, "There's no way he'll use favoritism—and neither will I—so Kiyone practice on your comebacks, don't make me spit at your feet."

And with that, the Queen Bee walked out of the room.

"Oh, wow…never knew Soi Fon would get so riled up about this," cried Matsumoto.

"Rangiku, we need to find Shiro-chan!" piped Momo.

"Alright we'll meet this weekend and by then I would have made some arrangements. Don't worry Kiyone, we'll give your time to shine and then he'll see who really deserves to laughs last!" Nanao cried passionately.

The meeting was soon adjourned and Kiyone was the only one left in room to reflect on her own thoughts.

_What if I'm not good enough?_

_What if I crack under pressure?_

_They'll think I'm a vulgar, perverted, unruly, un-polite, improper girl—won't they?_

Oh no…why did I ever let it get to me?!

Yachiru burst in the SWA room and was grinning when she discovered that her subject was still in the room.

"Kiyone, Kiyone—come, come!"

"President, I don't think…" she stopped unsure to continue.

"I knew you were confusled—SO—here is a test!" She took Kiyone by the hand and pulled her out of the room through the secret door out into the Kuchiki manor hallway.

"Test your strength, Kiyo-chan!" She cheered, "Say really funny things to Bya-kun—make Bya-Bya-kun mad! If you can do it then Kiyone-chan can beat Gorilla-Sen-chan!"

"R-really??"

"Yup!"

"I-is he hard to sway?" Kiyone bit the nails of her fingers. Isn't agitating Captain Kuchiki like waking a multitude of Menos Grande? No, it's like suffering the ultimate death penalty by the Sokyoku!!!

"It's okay—Yachi-chan is with you," she cooed.

"Thank you, president," Kiyone replied gratefully, "But I doubt even that won't be able to save me."

"You won't do it?"

"No, I will—I need to be sure of myself."

Where the _hell_ do I get the guts, thought Kiyone nervously. Then images of her captain flooded her mind. He gentle touch, his sweet smile, the warm comforting voice.

_"Kiyone could you put these things away?"_

Her face colored up and her loyalty to her beloved captain strengthened her heart.

Yes, that's why. I'm going to do it. I'm going to prove once and for all—_**whose the greatest!**_ But I need to prove to Madam President, to myself that I can do this. This is the only way!

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**End Chapter**

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**Notes:** How do you guys like it so far? Comments? Comments? Anyone? Who do you think is the Greatest? Who do you think will win? Oh and by the way I had _sooooo_ much fun writing out Yachiru's character.

"_It's okay—Yachi-chan is with you!" _


	3. Part III

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Part III

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**I enjoy participating in the SMA meetings, as a means of getting away sometimes. I am worried about our president; Iba, vice captain of the 7****th**** squad. He feels discouraged because our group is over shadowed by our counterpart SWA. I don't mind at all. The way I see it, it is better that they prosper; that we struggle, then for them to struggle. They are women, and they deserve all the consideration.**

"H-hello, Captain Kuchiki."

"What are you doing?"

"Um—uh—eh…"

"You are in my house."

His cold grey eyes grazed coldly into Kiyone's hazel ones. Yachiru was no where to be seen.

Wonderful. She thought. I regret everything. There's got to be some other way of proving myself. Madam President is fond of killings and blood—she's the vice of battle crazy 11th squad after all. Aw man, how can I gun on him? I have nothing against him except for loads of respect and tons of fear. Yes, fear. Just a flash of his blade and I'll be nothing but slices of ham served on a foot long sub. Oh God, please help me…

"I asked you a question."

"Oh! Um meeting—President—I was, leaving?" She nervously plastered her hands at the sides of her thighs.

"I see…" he replied simply.

She saw that next to him where he sat, there was a bowl of chocolate oatmeal., and in his hands a warm cup of green tea.

Hmm, he still eats that. That fad is out no. Nobody eats oatmeal anymore—they're all back to their regular meals.

He looked out of the open door listening peacefully to the sound of birds and trees. Bya then looked over in her direction after a while.

"Do you have a message from your Captain? Is that why your still here?"

Okay Kiyone—enough. Get serious.

"Yes."

"…"

"He told me to inform you on what he truly thinks of you."

"And what is that?"

"You're a stuck up pansy, who still sucks his thumb at night."

Silence.

"Why are you lying?" he simply asked.

Kiyone cracked under pressure and told everything to the 6th captain. Afterward he calmly contemplated before answering.

"Do not doubt your skill. Remember to strike mercilessly, where it causes the most pain. Being direct is the most effective method to victory."

"Y-yes—Captain Kuchiki sir!"

Silence fell once more as the Captain paused to take a sip of his tea.

Kiyone who was standing the whole time, bowed in gratitude for his advice.

Byakuya closed his eyes calmly, "I believe you will fair well in this said contest."

"Thank you," she replied, bowing once more, "For a man with a hidden obsessive-sister complex—your pretty good. I bet you were the type who practically thrived under a woman's skirt."

A _foul_ silence filled the room and Kiyone could feel an imaginary wind gust through the open shoji screen doors. Byakuya slammed his tea cup on the floor next to him, to retrieve the hilt of his blade. The poor third seat was slammed with a reiatsu so great that nearly ripped her heart to drag it ruthlessly the ground. As he began to stand, Yachiru bounded as if out of the air itself and landed on his back.

"Ne, ne, Byakuchi, can't take a joke! He can't take a joke!" The pressure immediately lightened.

"Yiiya!!!!" Kiyone dashed out faster than lighting picking up dust crying her eyes out in absolute fear.

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**End Chapter**

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	4. Part IV

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Part IV

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**I started to spend most of my time with Shunsui, my old friend, expressing myself on how I felt, for in truth—I was very troubled. My third-seats didn't clash in verbal arguments. But, however, I did feel tension and animosity building. It is much like and epic adventure novel where there is the rising action before the impacting climax. Yes, I could sense it and it was causing my blood pressure to drop.**

"What is it Matsumoto?" groaned Hitsugaya when he saw his vice enter with a basket of cakes and sweets.

"Oh me? Ah nothing—just dropping off a little something, you know."

"Of course I don't know—Spit it out," he hissed placing both hands on his desk.

Rangiku pulled out a small cheesecake slice that was wrapped up nicely and she placed it carefully in front of him, "Hinamori spent all day making this," she cooed.

"Wh-what…" he took it into his hands and stared at it. He opened the wrapper and stared at the little pastry. His blue-green eyes flared, "Matsumoto—Momo did not make this…"

"Okay—so she didn't make it—but she DID buy it," she fished a note that was deep inside the basket.

Hitsu grabbed it and his eyes darted up and down as it scanned the carefully scrawled characters

.

_~ Shiro-chan_

_Please be the judge for the shout-out contest. No one can hurt people's feelings better than you. The other judge is going to be Captain Soi Fon. I brought these cakes because Rangiku said that you'll accept the position that way… Pretty pretty please, Shiro-chan say yes!_

_Your friend,_

_Bed-wetter Momo_

_P.S. Do you remember that name you gave me?_

A whole bunch of feelings stewed inside the 10th captain and he released the first set of them upon the largest source.

"Matsumoto!!!" The short little captain blasted like an erupting volcano.

"It's not me cap~tain!" Rangiku whined, "Kiyone and Sentaro, the two third seats from Captain Ukitake's squad are going to finally settle the score—with this contest and to make things fair we need male and female judges.

"I _really_ don't want to work with Soi Fon," growled Hitsugaya, "What makes you think that I will say yes—and what makes you think that with candy—You'll convince me?!"

"Waaaa, Captain, I guess I caught you on a bad day…"

"Is that why you flared?"

"…"

"You really can't say no to her, can you?"

"…"

"…"

"………………."

"………………….."

"Shut up, Matsumoto."

Hitsu stuffed the letter back into the basket and leaned back into his chair, "A shout-out contest—am I supposed to judge who screams the loudest? It's ridiculous, che, if things get out of hand; I'm not going to hesitate in ripping out their vocal chords…"

He directed his gaze towards his vice. Matsumoto saw the cold indifference reflected in them, "…And donating them to Kurotsuchi Mayuri's department."

Matsumoto stood frozen in what appeared to be absolute fear—but just as suddenly her expression changed to one that registered absolute joy, "THAT'S the kind of judge we need! The contest is called shout-out but it's really about who can be the most ruthless with words and getting feedback from the crowd."

"Really?" Hitsugaya sounded interested now, "So, that's why Soi Fon is judge. Explains a lot—I have a score to settle," he mumbled more to himself than to vice."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Do you think that the Captain Commander is going to accept such a contest?"

"Don't worry—I'm sure Nanao-chan is working something out…"

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**End Chapter**

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	5. Part V

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Part V

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**At this point, I really, really didn't feel well…**

"Captain…" whined Kiyone softly as she walked out of his room. In her hands was a wash basin with cold water and rags. The 13th captain fell ill once more. He laid burning in a high fever and drunken sleep. Yes, drunk.

"It's not like the Captain to drink sake, but he has been seeing Captain Kyoraku a lot lately."

"And whose fault do you think it is—that this is happening?"

Kiyone looked up from her thoughts and spotted Sentaro who also had a wash basin in his hands and some rags.

"Shut up, armpit-smelling—," her voice broke and she suddenly ran off. Sentaro was a bit taken back by Kiyone's emotional reaction. He looked back before entering Ukitake's room. When Sentaro crouched down to take the rag—he felt it was cold. Kiyone just changed it. She probably gave him some medicine and now she's making soup.

"Tch, damn. She's always beats me when it comes to this,"

"Why don't you tell her that?"

Sentaro jumped surprised that his captain was awake. Ukitake turned his head to his direction, "And when it comes to errands and upkeep you're better that she is."

"Captain, I—,"

"Both of you make up the third position because you and Kiyone balance each other out."

"What about strength—_**whose the greatest?**__"_

"Such competition belongs to the 11th squad," Ukitake spat bitterly.

"Forgive my rudeness…" Sentaro saw how his captain wearily closed his eyes and slipped into sleep. He silently stood and walked out. Closing the door behind him, Captain Shunsui stood outside with some bottles.

"No more sake!" Sentaro roared.

"What are you talking about," Captain Shunsui weaseled in his casual tone, "I brought some small remedies I managed to snatch form that crazy scientist, here," he placed them in Sentaro's open palm, "Put that in his next meal, he'll be up and running in a second."

"T-thank you very much, Captain!" he boomed with a bow. The third seat dashed off with a bright smile on his face. Shunsui took this opportunity to stop in his friend's room.

"How are you feeling?"

"Iba, approved it…"

"Don't kill yourself over this, Juushiro."

"The SMA and the SWA are sponsoring this crazy contest—I won't stand it."

"Rivalry is good. This'll serve as an experience—besides, Ol'Yama ain't gonna give the go ahead to something like—,"

Ukitake's door slid open violently in a snap revealing Shuuhei's head.

"The Captain Commander said yes! The contest will be held first thing next week!"

Ukitake zipped his mouth shut, refusing to say anything to waste whatever strength he had in him. In the background they could hear the familiar shrieks.

"You heard that flipping furrbie?! I'm gonna kick your butt!"

"Arrrgh! Don't make me shove this ladle right up your—,"

"Well, well seems like Ol'Yama interested. I wonder who reasoned with him…" Shunsui spoke above the voices.

"Oh no, it was you—wasn't it?" Ukitake groaned.

"You did?!" piped Sixty-nine, "Does that mean you're part of the SMA?"

"What are you talking about?" He growled, "Soul Society is just too boring these days…"

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**End Chapter**

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Notes: You like? You like? Tell me, please!


	6. Part VI

Right quick, I really don't want to say much—They mention currency… I very, **very, **well know that Japan works with Yen. But I'm American and I want those who read right away to understand how much I'm talking about. So in this fanfic and others in this series I'm working with US dollars. If you wish you can imagine that they're using the same worth in Yen if you like… Sorry if this bothers anyone.

- Zerolr -

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Part VI

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**Nobody was going to listen to me—so in the end, I decided to just let it go. I temporarily resigned from the SMA until the whole mess was over…**

"Settle down! Settle down!" Nanao cried while rapping a mallet on the president's table.

"Yay! Everything is ready!" cheered Madam President. It was a very special SWA meeting, even Rukia and Captain Unhand was present. Isane patted Kiyone's back who was shivering from nervousness and excitement.

The secret door slid open and Yoruichi waltzed in, in all her glorious beauty, "Where is she?" the black cat jazzed. Her golden eyes practically glowed with mischief.

Soi Fon's face lit up, "Yoruichi-sama!!! She's here—I'm going to be judge," she piped.

"Kick ass, Kiyone!" Yoruichi cheered, "Soi Fon—you think she's ready?"

"She has talent, all that's left is how she's going to use it," she reasoned leaning back in her chair.

"Good! Good!" Yoruichi patted Kiyone's back harshly knocking the wind out of her, "Shake it off girl, you'll be fine!"

"T-thank you…" she coughed.

"This is exciting," Unohana smiled, "I haven't seen this much moral in ages."

"Okay listen up, everyone!" Nanao cried silencing the crowd once more, "Ahem. I have several announcements. The Captain Commander Genryusai Yamamoto generously opened the 1st division dojo to hold the contest. Also he has added a third judge, of course we couldn't refuse.

"It's Mayu-chan!" sang Yachiru.

"What?!" Soi Fon nearly fell off her chair.

"There was an argument about needing three judges as the norm," Nemu added.

"Okay the contest as agreed has been arranged for tomorrow morning; meals and refreshments will be served.

"Please be generous—all proceeds will go to the 4th squad for supplies and equipment," chimed Unohana, who sponsored the said meals and refreshments.

"Who will be there?" Momo asked.

"Everyone!" shouted Madam President.

"I've made a sign up sheet and so far, I see that all of the captains and vices will be present. The contest is open to the public so seated and non-seated squad members will be attending as well," concluded Nanao, "Any question regarding the arrangements?"

Rukia raised her hand, "Is there an entrance fee?"

"Yes," replied Nanao with a flash of her glasses.

"Rukia dear," cooed Unohana, "People with pockets filled with money will be coming. We have to take measures to take as much money as possible."

"O-oh," Rukia nodded solemnly.

"Okay, any other questions, concerns, comments?

Silence.

"Moving on," Nanao shifted through some papers, "The SMA has challenged us to bet _money_ on the winner of this contest."

"How much, we're talking?" asked Yoruichi."

"Ten-thousand dollars."

Unohana's eyes gleamed, "_Kiyone-chan don't fail us okay?"_

The already nervous, the already trembling third-seat shivered even more as she slowly began sinking into her chair.

"If we win, we hold an overnight meeting right hear next weekend with drinks, food and entertainment.

"SLUMBER PARTY!" cheered the President.

"WHOO-HOO! OMG YES!" cried Matsumoto scaring everyone within her reach.

"So, cross our fingers and hope for the best—any questions?" asked Nanao as she put her papers away.

Even larger silence.

"Meeting adjourned!"

"No pressure!" Yoruichi cheered while rubbing the short truffle of hair, "Good luck eh?" and with that, she walked out with everybody else.

"If you lose and let Yoruichi-sama's spirit go down—you die," Soi Fon rasped in her ear.

Everyone was gone except for Isane, Madame President and Kiyone herself.

It's okay, even if you lose, I still love you."

"Nee-chan!" wailed Kiyone who embraced her sister passionately.

After they parted, Isane looked at her sister with a frightened look, "But _seriously_ don't lose—I can't even **begin** to imagine my Captain's temper if you do…"

"Okay…"

With Isane gone Yachiru was the only one to console the poor third seat who felt it was the world she had on her shoulders.

"Kiyo-chan" whispered the little pink-haired vice. Kiyone looked over to see the girl's lips curled up into a mischievous smile, "Bya-Bya's still **mad** at you…"

"W-what?" she nearly fell out of her seat.

"Yup!" she chirped. She traveled towards the door, "He said, '_Pray she doesn't cross path with me_'—something like that—Ja na!"

"Oh God, I'm going to die…" Kiyone groaned dropping her head into the table.

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**End Chapter**

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Notes: The pressure is ON! The end is approaching are you ready?! Flip on the next chapter! Reviews! Ne, ne?


	7. Part VII

Money greedy Unohana…heheh I just love that…

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Part VII

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**I was seated on a small platform right in front, right in the middle, like a trophy of honor. (Well, that's what I was actually, but you get my point.) I had so many feeling stirring inside me, that I had no idea what to say or do. All I could do was just sit and drink the tea they served me. (That happened to be oolong tea—very good, I must say.)**

Kiyone took a few deep breaths before walking into the dojo. She wore those harois that cheering squad members wore to shout out their favorite idols as well as a head band painted with the Japanese red sun. She held her megaphone tightly in her right hand while with her left she slid open the rice paper doors.

She gasped seeing so many people gathered. The crowed stood, some sat on the ground, others on stools they bought off of Unohana—who sold them for fifty dollars a pop.

Sentaro was already there dressed in the same garb but blue, hers was pink—the universal colors of boy and girl. Yes, it wasn't just a battle of third-seats but also a battle of the sexes. SWA vs. SMA. And THAT is what made it so attractive, what made people pay for this.

Of course not everybody was there Kenpachi refused to attend figuring that if there would be no real combat involved then, it wasn't worth it. Captain Aizen because he had to in his, "Planner" and Byakuya, for reasons not specified.

There was the judges table set up with Hitsugaya at the end, Mayuri in the middle and Soi Fon.

"Why is he here?" Hitsu asked.

"The Commander wanted three judges—not my fault," replied Soi Fon.

Mayuri sighed, "This better be worth my time,"

Ol'Yama stepped in the center and stomped his cane to order silence.

"This is the first-ever, juice-spitting, dignity-stripping, fall-on-the-floor-laughing-take-you-to-the-hospital-because-you're-dying *takes a deep breath* and-you-really-need-to-stop-that-is-ridiculous, shout out contest." He coughed to clear his throat. Sasakibe handed him a glass of water which he drank before handing it back to him.

"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll eat yams and fart till you pass out!" The captain commander cleared his throat once more.

Renji whispered to Shunsui who was next to him, "Does he really eat yams?"

"I donno, but I know that his farts are really bad."

**Yes indeed. There were several instances were I did pass out.**

"The contestants will be the two third-seats Kotsubaki Sentaro, and Kotetsu Kiyone," proclaimed the old man. The crowd roared with anticipation, "Our judges will be 10th Squad Captain—Hitsugaya Toushiro—,"

"Aw, shut up all of you…"

"12th Squad Captain—Kurotsuchi Mayuri—,"

"Barbarians…"

"And 2nd Squad Captain—Soi Fon!"

"Die, everybody, die."

Another excited roar washed over. Hanataro could be heard shouting—bring more flap-jacks, more soup! We're running out—we need drinnnnks!!!"

"Ahem," with that single cough, Yamamoto silenced everyone, "Now this is how it will go about. The contestants will start off with their degrading commentary and comebacks. It is an all out, meaning that there is no turns or any specific order," The old man paused to look left at Sentaro and right towards Kiyone, "Simply if you have something to say—say it. As the audience you are to cheer if the comment is favorable, boo if it is disagreeable or weak. Egg the contestants on with sounds of anticipation. Pick your favorites—the potential winner—you as the audience are the ones with the power to choose. The Judges will be here to correct any injustice or clear a stalemate. Also, during the intermission session later on, they will voice their own opinion on the matter. Now," Yamamoto stomped his cane to silence the starting murmur rippling across the crowd, "The winner of this contest—,"

He signaled to Matsumoto who was dressed in a provocative goldfish kimono matching beautifully with her golden wavy locks of hair. She extended her arms elegantly before a pair of shoji rice paper walls. Several cat calls and whistles filled the air.

"She's lookin real cute," purred Gin in a whisper.

Kira innocently pretended he heard nothing.

"—Will be promoted to 3 ½ seat by the 13th Squad Captain—,"

Each side of the screens was pulled apart by Nanao on one side and Iba on the other.

"Ukitake Juushiro!"

Roar, cheers and whistles filled the air.

**I was seated atop of a platform and over my captain's haori, I wore one of Shunsui's. It was blue stitched with delicate white apple blossoms. He gave it to me saying that blue was the color most fitting, but, to have to wear it on an event such as this—I had no idea. But it was like I said—right in front right in the middle sipping my oolong tea, finally exposed. Through the crowd and the mass of faces, over the calm tranquil gaze of my Captain Commander—I saw my two beloved third seats. Both holding on tightly to their megaphones, their eyes full, their souls burning with conviction. What could I do? I just smiled the best I could, as Yachiru skipped up towards me with a microphone in her hands.**

"A few words from the Guest of Honor," Yamamoto called out.

"Try your best, and remember—that no matter what rank or place you may be found yesterday, today or tomorrow, both of you will always be ranked equally in my heart."

Both Sentaro and Kiyone broke down in tears for a brief moment.

"This is ridiculous—this is obviously a waste of time, a leisure pastime for primitive organisms," growled Mayuri.

"Hey watch what you say," scoffed Soi Fon, "This hasn't even begun."

"Humph, what I mean is that _obviously_ there's going to be no change even after a winner is announced," replied Mayuri, "Waste of my time already…"

"There is no such thing as a 3 ½ seat. The winner may receive a pretty ribbon and all but in Soul Society law—you're either 3rd seat or you're not—simple as that," finalized Hitsugaya as he sipped on a cup of tea he bought off of Unohana's stand.

"Now that I think about it—you're right," Soi Fon replied.

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**End Chapter**

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	8. Part VIII

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Part VIII

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**The crowd cheered. The judges sat indifferently within their seats and Unohana practically fanned herself with the overwhelming sales she racked in just a matter of minutes…**

**I internally prayed that this wouldn't erupt into something worse but Shunsui's relaxed expression—his sly nod, caused me to relax. I smiled warmly. He was going to make sure that things wouldn't go out of hand. Thank goodness**

Nanao and Iba grilled each other with ferocious glances while Yachiru wept.

"What's a matter, Vice?" asked Ikkaku with a worried expression drawn over his face.

"Ken-chan said he ain't coming! Wahh!!!"

"Well, what can you do?" glitter flew sparking in the air after a casual flick of Yumichika's hair, "This is a disgusting contest after all… but I'm curious to see who shall emerge most beautifully as the victor," Yumichika hummed in that relaxed tone of his.

Captain Commander, Yamamoto calmly walked off from the center of the dojo to his seat. Gripping on the arm chairs he slowly very slowly began to descend his little tush to the chair. The room filled with silence as they waited and waited. A creak, a puff of relief and a few cracking backbones. He looked up like a faithful old dog and finally issued the words everybody was aching to hear:

"BEGIN!"

There was a period of silence in which the contestants grilled each other with intensified glances.

"Go first, booger girl!"

"What? Quaking in your shoes already, billy-goat?"

"Don't go hating on my goatee—at least I look like a man." Sentaro proudly traced his fingertips over it, "Calling yourself a woman you look more like an over-grown toddler."

"Ooooooh…." Cooed the crowd.

"Feh, oh please—that little string of hair? You just shaved it off of Captain Kyoraku's face and crazy-glued it to your chin."

A general laughter broke out. And Hitsugaya found himself smiling a bit, in spite of himself.

"It's called trimming. I trimmed it. Besides why would I want to look like gorilla?"

"He just called me…" Shunsui's voice trailed off.

"Hey—keep your comments directed at your opponent!" shouted Nanao. Shunsui appeared touched at her defense.

"Fuck off, bitch!"

A gasp from the crowd.

"Hey! You take that back douche bag!" Hissed Kiyone.

"Provoking Kiyone using bystanders as a scapegoat—clever," whispered Soi Fon. Mayuri yawned. He has yet to be peaked in interest by the third seats.

"Douche? You mouth looks like one," he mimicked her pouting mouth.

Kiyone was red up to her ears in embarrassment.

"What's a matter? Sentaro teased, "Can't take the pressure? Why don't you go run and cry to your sister?"

Isane bit her lip as she held her clasped hands close to her bust, "Nee-chan…"she cooed.

Kiyone's eyes closed as she tried to contain her anger. He's trying to provoke me, so then I won't think. That sleazy, two-timing… "For your information, blubber-butt, Onee-chan come to ME and cries on MY shoulder. I console her and in doing that, she consoles me. You can't possible understand a bond between sisters… Your mama gave birth to you and committed seppuku with just the thought of having another retarded ass baby looking like your fucking self—bitch."

"OOoOoOOoOoOooooOOhhh…" the crowd afterward when silent.

Note to self—don't talk about her sister, Sentaro though. He sweated nervously because now the pressure was on him.

"A little interesting, I suppose... this may aid my study on human behavior," sighed Mayuri nonchalantly.

"You're so stupid, you thought your bankai was, your shikai!" Sentaro shouted randomly.

"Aw, he lightened the mood," Gin sneered sadly, "I was hopin' they'd start killin' each other,"

Kira pretended he didn't hear that.

"Humph, you're so stupid, you trained your bankai to reach your shikai,"

"You're so constipated, that you had to release all your reiatsu, just to shit once in the toilet!" Sentaro jazzed, happy to receive a cheer from the audience.

"Oh yeah, you know a lot about that subject, you'd fart and tear a hole into Hueco Mundo."

Hanataro put his small hands on his behind, "That must really hurt..."

"You grease the floor and quickly slide down proclaiming you master shunpo!"

"Hollows feed off your body odor!"

"You play dress up with the Captain's clothes!"

"I-I do not!"

Silence.

**She plays dress up with my clothes? Hmm... I did catch a sweet scent of woman's perfume on my kimono this morning...**

Sentaro grinned evilly, "You're in love with our Captain!"

She flushed in a furious pink color, "So what if I am!? That's nothing compared to your little shrine you keep of the Vice Captain Matsumoto, performing little seance dances and prick voodoo dolls."

"Voodoo dolls? I wonder if they work..." whispered Mayuri.

"That's better than wetting the bed at night."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with wetting the bed—it happens to everybody!" Shouted Momo out of nowhere.

Everyone stared at her and Momo used her little hands to cup her mouth, "Oops, sorry…"

"Ugh...Momo…" grumbled Hitsu.

"Me? Wetting the bed? Can you tell the difference between your room and mine?" sassed Kiyone, "Go suck the piss off the sheets."

"Did you forget, I just saw you do that this morning—that's why you stink, ass-wipe!"

"Suck my couche!"

"Alright."

Kiyone stood in shock.

"No, wait, wait," Sentaro tried his best to not to smile as big, "You want the captain to do that wouldn't you?"

**That was totally uncalled for.**

He's trying to make me walk off stage, but there's no way that's gonna happen. She thought, her face burning with shame. She took a deep breath before throwing her comeback.

"Directing insults right to our captain? Shows where your loyalties lie, monkey-shit."

Sentaro took a step back in shock as if suddenly realizing what he did. He turned his head to Ukitake's direction and saw that the 13th captain had his gaze averted to the side directed towards the ground.

"C-c-captain!" I'm sorry captain!"

No response.

"End first half!" called Yamamoto Genryusai.

Nanao ran towards Kiyone.

"You were great! Keep it up," she cheered sweetly.

"I don't like this anymore—I feel so naked."

"Just bear it a little bit longer, there is so much riding on this!"

"I know, I know."

"You want something to drink."

"Yes, please."

Sentaro sat at a chair that Iba Tetsuzaemon provided, "Looks like you got your ass handed to you by that girl..." he breathed out in a sigh. He handed Sentaro a cup of tea. Taking it into his hands, Sentaro placed it on the ground at his feet.

Hate to admit, he though, but she's pretty amazing. He saw her smile as she talked excitedly to the girls at the other end of the dojo. Pretty cute too...wait a second... What the heck am I saying?!

He shook his head throwing off the though. I just embarrassed the Captain big time.

Unohana paced up to the white haired captain who sat peacefully in his platform.

"A little more, I believe and it'll be over."

Ukitake smiled, "Where is all the money going?"

She returned his smile with her own, "For supplies and medication. Then there's the seminars for new members on important medical procedures. I'm expanding the infirmary area on the east wing and transforming the basement into an intensive care unit."

The 13th Captain raised his eyebrows in interest, "That's sounds wonderful, Retsu!"

"Of course, I'm hoping to have something left to buy clothes, make up and you-know-what," she smiled sweetly before walking off.

Ukitake visibly took on five different shades of red, "Retsu—uh err—wait!"

She calmly turned around and returned to his side.

"Here," he whispered. She felt his long thin fingers slip in a neatly folded letter. The same one his 3rd seats where unable to deliver. Taking it she discretely looked up to him, "I know it's late, but I don't have a messenger to deliver my letters..."

"Don't worry," she cooed tenderly, "I know the perfect person."

She walked off carefully putting away the letter and no one really noticed such transaction take place—all except for one fox-faced captain.

"A messenger eh?" he murmured playfully to himself.

Kira pretended to hear nothing.

Sasakibe Chojiro silenced the crowd, "Now we will have a word from our three judges."

He directed the crowd's attention to the three captain sitting at a small table.

Soi Fon was up first.

"Can't say who I favor and even if I did, I really wouldn't tell you."

Mayuri was up next.

"I'm keeping my personal opinions to myself but watching this has spiked my interest into conducting experiments on the effects insults have in the heat of battle. There can be a way weapons can be created this way."

Hitsugaya sighed resting his chin on folded hands, "Kiyone is always depending on Sentaro's statements, therefore riding on comeback as means of winning. Sentaro on the other hand is more creative, using different means of knocking down his opponent. But, he fails to keep a consistent footing and always falters. In other words—they're both tied."

After a few other comments and some half time entertainment. Sasakibe inciated the second round.

It turned out to be twice as fierce. Kiyone came back energized and Sentaro dealt with the verbal punches lunged at him. Mayuri's interest peaked and Soi Fon found herself involved as well. Towards the end, Sasakibe silenced the crowd.

"End match!" he called, "Now the judges will consult each other and dealt out a winner.

"Nice match," Sentaro muffled his smile by rubbing his nose.

Kiyone's eyes widened.

"We have come to a conclusion," Soi Fon declared, "The winner of this match is..."

Everyone held their breath, "Kotetsu Kiyone!"

The crowd threw themselves into a fit of cheers and cat-calls. Matsumoto nearly drowned Kiyone within her large bosom.

"Oh we won! I knew you could do it!" she cheered.

"Mmmphh!" she cried her arms flailing.

"Nee-chan!" called Isane, worried that her baby sis might suffocate.

Through the cheering Ukitake smiled at his male third seat.

_Thank you_. He mouthed.

"Oh no, Captain." Sentaro replied with much respect, "She won fair in square... I just realized something."

Ukitake smiled, "I'm glad you did, Sentaro..."

**Kiyone had won that contest, but weeks afterward she forgot the point five increase to her rank. Sentaro didn't mind that she cooked better than he did, nor did Kiyone mind that Sentaro was the one always fixing the paperwork on my desk. However, their bickering still exists; I'm fine with that...**

**Women are a gift to men in this world. They come with so many extra things, so many complications—but that's what makes them delightful. They are both ranked 3****rd**** strongest in my squad, for their strengths are equal. One as a man, and one as a woman. There qualities match to fill in that place in a way one single person could never do. Whose the Greatest? You ask? Sentaro? Kiyone? Whose the strongest? Whose the most beautiful? Whose the best, the most skilled? Whose number one in this world? Who knows? There's always one person picked, but the contest is always done over to pick a new number one... now why is that?**

**Perhaps there is no such thing, as the 'Greatest' the most 'Strongest' but human kind has that dire need to put even those those type of things in order... To back down to lose, is not bad, it is a victory in itself. To win is not bad either. To stand outside of whose better and whose worse, indeed that is true victory. That is true happiness. Sentaro learned and realized this. He saw through towards Kiyone's earnest and hardworking intentions, her feelings where nothing more than a noble shield protecting her honor. And in her, he saw a reflection of himself. His realization, his changed attitude towards the end, took away Kiyone's resentment towards him. Yes I'd say that Sentaro truly won that day...

* * *

**

**Moral**

_**Women are always right even if they are wrong

* * *

**_

**Oh my, did I put you to sleep? I hope you found my story worthwhile...**

**No, I'm gonna deliver it!**

**Get outta here, Pikachu!**

**Eh? Sentaro, Kiyone, what's the matter?**

**Quit calling me that, moron!**

**No-no-no! Please... don't tug it, you tear it! It's okay, I'll take it myself! Please—**

**(rips)**

**Uhh.... it's Kiyone's fault!**

**What?!

* * *

**

**Author Notes

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**

**I died halfway into this last chapter. I found myself unable to finish it the way I really wanted. But I hope you liked it regardless. So far my fables really haven't been explaining the morals but I hope this one did (at least a little) The next one will be narrated by Matsumoto. Any other things you wanna ask me about this just PM me. Thank you.**

**-Zerolr-**


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